and i welcome.. my very own self back. *high fived my own left hand*. indeed, a nerdy gesture. shut up. stop being a judgmental prick on a new year. =)

now..

a big, warm HELLO, beloved ones. feels good to be back. countless times have i abandoned the one thing that saves me as a whole. writing. too many times, have i said that i won't repeat it again, but i did. needless to say, never has it left my sight or memory. it abided by me, throughout. also, thank you, fellow inspirations which appear vague to the public but magically dimensional to me. thank you, ink and legal pad. thank you, even though lagging badly but still, useful PC. finally, thank you my new e63, for making this entry happened. =)

yes, yes. yet another flip of the calendar. should be a new flip of life. 2010. this is where the fun should come in. play a new persona with the rich fundamentals that your family and others: whom you once considered odd when you were younger, have inculcated in you to begin with. change your hairstyle, the way you speak, the way you are at work, the way you treat your parents. all in all, yourself.

but of course, a level up. why the heck in the world would you stoop to a lower level in your life?

with every molecule of hatred, you have in yourself; which initially is a whole big clot of love, make a change of some sort. =)

the new year has made me realized, that i, do not particularly work well with stress or restrictions to my creativity. anger? yes, that i could put up with. satan stress tricked my inner peace, then, distracting my bright mind. fucking opponent. i am yet to have a brutal, brutal showdown with you.

i, also finally, realized that 2 days ago(well of course, whatever is going to be said here will sound all angry and sarcastic for a habitual reason to that particular someone, which i don't think, i will ever be able to break due to the various situations i've placed both of us upon. bottom line is, the perspective towards me is already, changed),someone dear, manned up and served my sins, that outshone my bigger qualities, frozen cold, out on the table. i have a thick skull. so, you can imagine how many times, this fella tried to do the same good deed, on loop.

right. let's call this person Y(for some reason, i have been to liberal with the alphabet x and v, which concludes Y). and let this be clear, once and for all that, i, nurshida bte osman, hold nothing of the past or present, against Y. what i hold for Y, is something beautiful, nonetheless, comes its price, complexity. or according to Y, i am the complex.

partially true.

i owe whatever i am going to say now, mostly to Y.

true, that i had spiraled downwards in the context of love, relationships and life. all the great, righteous things that i've learned from my parents, my good friends and all the positive people that came and went, have been thrown out the window like an old gum for a period of time. partially, because of an old flame and other significant family issues.

then, along came Y when i was a case of tragic skeptic. again and again, i experimented(this is to put it in the most subtle way possible, because those things are not the kind of things a human should be proud of) but, Y still stood rigid beside me. never head to head, just beside. with nothing less or more.

like Y said, if only Y could cry Y's eyes out, it would relieve the pain for just a little bit. well, i wish for Y to know that, after what i had ended, i feel the same exact way. if only, i could cry.

how Y sees me, ever since : selfish, heartless, impulsive, reckless, liar, impatient, stubborn, defensive, a coward to face reality, naive, easily influenced by closed ones, no self value, petty and stucked.

all of the above is, sadly true. judge me all you want.

hence, i did something. well, in any case, your assumptions went deep, down, north, it was actually, verbally healthy.

rest assured that it is not because of my feelings, sympathy or for a sense of redemption towards Y, that i decide on what i decided. it was because of the "truth impact", of what Y said to me.

Y really managed to get the message across of how, so sad and pathetic, i was in the in the picture.

and obviously, i didn't liked that unpretty, public portrait Y painted of me.

so, i shall strive not to prove Y wrong, but to re-paint my unpretty portrait with a better brush, brighter colors and on a better canvas. i refuse to be that sad little person any longer. this shall be, from myself, for myself.

all these, concretes even more, my before '25' plan.

i want to grow into a person who has strong ethics on herself. someone who stands for some things and not everything. someone who is, a limit of everything bad and yearns even greater for everything, happy, fun and good.

its simple. i just want to be happy.

so far, i am getting there, slowly.

thank you very much, Y. really. =)

its only a matter of time that Y will earn his trust in me again. which from there, i believe, miracles might happen. i won't expect, so i'll just hope by then, that miracles between me and Y, won't arrive a minute late. i guess even if it does come a minute late or 2, i believe that there will other miracles awaiting us, individually, then. Y deserves so. i, can only hope.

i'll start everyday with a smile from today onwards. i wouldn't want to move too fast because satan complacent always find its way with sincerity.

on random note: please, please, please remember that, you can replace wives, but, you can never replace the one and only, mum. treasure them.

i fail my mother by only treating her as a mum when she is so much more. she's the mediator, an urban myth doctor, a vibrant individual, a woman, a girl, a teacher, a wife, my BFF till death, a hottie..well, my hottie radar and on some blunder occasions, my grandma. she is my favorite fictional and non-fictional character. love you, mum. =)

FYI: pictures are from Dad's, humble 55th birthday celebration, on 21st January 2010. yes, it includes, my parents and my 2 other siblings. you might just get lucky, there's half naked pictures. =)



until i make you smile again, cheerios! =D.