i am starting to think that i am an illusion. pushed on earth just to realize that my definition of happiness is to smile along in glitter shimmer to my surrounding victories and feel my heart shatter for the world to see when they cry in utter betrayal or hurt.

even more than ever the world seems numb. for, i have lost the ability to do that to even the most important people dearest to me. well, what else can my value be? my one best quality is now within the grasp of my other engulfing flaws, disclosing to me their sharp canine fangs. they have been ganging up on me for a while to win this trophy. did i survive or was i defeated? one time too often have i been confronted with hate, raging jealousy and selfishness, bouncing around in joy with their horrific facial expressions, applauding in front of my very face. in this so many similar situations, i have never been able to find my logic or so i thought even existed in me, lurking behind me to suddenly jump out, to vanquish these emotional villains.

and yes, i am in a battle with myself. speaking of a walking contradiction. but i am still standing straight. at least, struggling hard.

at this point of time, i find the quote, "behind every successful man, there is a lonely woman" an utter bullshit of narcissism and ego.

truth is, it is an advantage to closely assume a manic depression. because you jump right back on board the winning track within seconds and regard all the past wounds as it is already written in every individual's book of life. of course, until once again, unfortunately, it catches up with your memory only to make you go through the same hellhole again and again.

so its falling, standing back up, falling, standing back up and falling for me all over again.

throw me a break-up,a divorce or a death. at least that would make my life much more colorful. hah.

on my 22nd birthday, i will resume on my mission. as i believe, still and always do, you're born alone and so, you shall die alone too. i will strive to make a change in the world before my time is up since other events seem all too familiar and temporary to me. =). i shall go to school and work with my president one day. not the prime minister. following soon to that, Oprah hopefully. soon after that, i would love to go to poverty stricken countries and just share knowledge and laughing with them heartily instead of crying to the sight of shrunken, dying kids.

even though laughter is temporary too lining up in the same category as everything else in the world, it is the only thing other than pain that sticks within everyone's memories.

it is not in my calling yet to fully serve you. but i hope some how or rather, the alternative that i have chosen without any expectation in return; well, only smiles and laughter, is good enough to show me the righteous way to life. i live my life strictly with heart hence, i hope i don't snap any time soon.

good god. such a whirlwind.