i dream of falling in love with an unknown man who observes me from afar or above for a very long period of time.

a man who would watch how i would act my day;; attending to occasional blood-sucking customers, most of the time taking a deep breath while walking away or in the stockroom, in order not to cuss these fellow customers future, folding and re-folding garments till i can't feel my hands, make a total turd out of myself to be able to be happy to listen to my colleagues laugh.
and dream my nights; coming home singing out loud to my song of the day even when everyone's asleep, hogging on the computer to put my dreams of change to ink while chain-smoking to its progress and then, sleep at 5 in the morning on my tummy, with a pillow over my head for if, i am working afternoon the next day or sleep face up with a pillow under my chin, for if i sleep morning the next day. ocassionally, i would try hard to picture Robert Pattinson's face long enough to make a dream out of it in a plot of meeting him through coffee. the next best alternative from every mens wet dream.

a man who would know everything about me and whom i know nothing about.

a man who tickles my senses with a sensation more stronger than spirit, temptation or lust can do.

a man who would appear out of no where to save me during my darkest hours.

a man who could just sleep beside me without having sex.

a man who pretends to believe that i am doomed with some kind of perplex mental illness.

a man who i can play with.

problem is, men. men don't do these things. problem is, i can't fall in love with a boy. they would all me a 'cougar' for it. and problem is, this is reality. haha.

furthermore, i am already in love with a man who does ocassionally participate in my childhood conversations or nostalgia. but he, he opened another greater world for me. where love is present in adulthood, made possible. where sacrifices takes place in the infinite name of love for me. where religion and traditions plays a major part in marriage and the after-life. where loyalty and forgiveness sums up to an eternity of our love.

i love the idea of psycho killers and vampires. that is how much the media has done damage to me for casting dangerous, handsome men for these roles. god damn you. isn't there any in real life? of course, minus the killing-me-without-mercy part. just the pulling of the hair, sadist and then, love-me-when-you-hate-me part.

i can never accept the fact that i am a full grown woman, who is often exposed to jealousy, greed, money, power, lust, envy, status, heartaches, responsibilities, mournings and loss.

god knows how much i fucking hate all of the above.

children. so blunt, dreamy, trustworthy, curious, bold, stronger than most of us are ,sweet and alive.

god bless the soul to whom i am so refreshed with. in name, Julie. we are total polar opposites. short and tall. small and big. old and young. firm and soft. loyal and a total chauvinist pig(haha!). altruistic and selfish. tiny woman and giant girl. lady-like and rugged. you're my definition of a beautiful soul. and, we share the same coincidental childhood story. good god, people would consider psychiatric sessions for us and more terrifyingly, we click, all too well.

i am so much of a little girl that it gets to me. my fondness for swings never fades.

here i am, holding pictures that took so much from me close to my heart thus leaving me empty. what was i missing?

STILL.

Julie and all you lovely children that i have stumbled upon either by reading or through face, what have you done to me?