secret to life: never take anything too seriously.

the rough patch from my reality has been replaced with a much more stronger spirit. not referring to alcohol, but god. truth is, i had been beyond the end, multiple times the past few weekends and i was to lie if, the worst case scenario of a slow, agonizing suicide was not on my mind. i felt smaller than a molecule as i smiled disturbingly, watching my pride evaporate due to the complications of a major heartache. i actually believed that i was going to be one of those people who would scream out loud whenever public displays of affection was near or any sort of love-related subjects was being brought up. my mind decided to screech to a horrific halt and previewed to me nothing but choking smoke. i was left paralyzed in silent spaces beyond repair. i would wake up screaming and cry in agony, endless every night ending in sleepless weeks, eat nothing to only drink at least 5 bottles of, Minutemaid's Apple and Cranberry juice, convulsively shaking reasoned from going to the chain-smoking extreme and snap violently at my parents when they asked me whether was there anything that was bothering me. finally, the worse is over and i believe regret shall not be categorized as memories. i gave up alright when i found out that altruistic, kind, strong, smart and everything nice, was easily exchanged with what sounded like almost psychotic and insecure, jealous, selfish and asking too much. what have i done to me? i scraped my already gushing wound for my insane intolerance towards disobey and i was left barely thriving, hanging, but on nothing.

but, alhamdulilah, before i totally went off, i realized that there are much more greater and rewarding things than our daily common definitions of love. call me cheesy, but i owe it to the indonesian movie, Ayat-Ayat Cinta(recommended for all those lost Muslim souls like me) for wasting my tears and saving my faith.

i think i am going to send that movie to Robert Pattinson to let him see the light in life. haha. wishful thinking that maybe, he'll somehow will be affec---

i wouldn't embrace the idea of all my readers rolling their eyes right about now.

so, in conclusion to what has happened, i think i'll let life roll. only taking it seriously when i'm pursuing my dreams in writing and a sideline in theater. as for everything else i already have in my life now, its safe to say that, i would love, laugh, smile, kiss and touch sincerely. what ever is going to happen in association to that, shall be dealt with a two-way; either nonchalant numbness or acceptance. you'd have to understand that sucess doesn't at all come, overnight. but, the progress has been cleansing and overwhelming.

i am sick of having worrying connotations prompting in my head all the time. i am in peace with this new happy place now.

this may sound mental, but just the other day, i scribbled about 7 pages of key words from the feelings that was burning a hole within me, ending the note with, "the pain is gone now". and, it helped. i loved it.

and my dad says i need to go to a psychiatrist. hmm.

a friend proposed a good idea on a teaser for the story. shall consider it. time is now not on my hands. but, i'll promise all of you a good read(HOPEFULLY) when i am done with it. IT IS SO HARD TO COME OUT WITH AN ENDING!!!! URGH!!!

till then, life has been great for me in the company of my Zara colleagues. i love you.

"even still, dontchange and aprilshower will destroy me in an instant".

ciao!

PS: new moon. i want to watch new moon. ergh! i am neither good with anticipation nor surprises .