a criminal without any criminal charges ;

you know how you would watch love movies and how they'll always come out with believable emotional security, punchlines, like, "i should let go of the past. what matters now,is our future", and then they'll go smiling,thinking of the opposite party.

fuck that bullshit.

because, memories or agony can never be erased from a human's mind. it will come back through a series of ways : dreams, nightmares, flashes of small pictures in your head, re-enactments,dejavu and with the will of god's power.

as much as we're facing head on with reality, sappy love movies still gets the best side of humans and their true dream other than money, success and sexual desires which is, just to be loved and be in love. in other words, these deceiving method of marketing has the full power to make a big joke, out of everyones' confident lives.

i have been blogging for almost (estimating,but no numbers seem to appear in my head. i can never remember how many years it has been) like what, 3 to 5 years now and never once did i have the intention of, telling sad stories of my life to ever seek sympathy (ok, only to my boyfriend, maybe. because there's certain things that's left unsaid during arguments and if you were to say it during that period of time, trust me, it will end up really2 bad) .if ever, i am down, i would either out it in an indirect way or in a creative way; poems.

you know, to think about it again, to the different blog addresses that i have wrote an entry in; they are all, my best friends, my lovers and my mentors. not with the slightest complacency, am i saying that my entries are brilliant, its just that, i can get things off my chest any day, any time without any prejudice or heated opinions.

therefore, thank you to the inventor of blogger.com.

moving on.

i literally plastered this as a status on all my network accounts(facebook, msn and all that jazz),"shyda (or luna) : might as well be the spokesperson for the yellow ribbon project. but ironically, i dont have any criminal charges". why you may ask?

this is prior to my first paragraph. and i can rest reassure you, that it is much more easier being acted out than done in reality.

i feel as filthy as a criminal in a courtroom. i am my own attorney, fighting my own case. just that, my crimes can't be recorded on paper, it is recorded in my book of sins and in the hearts of people that i truly love. i can't be jailed or sentenced to death (believe me, if there's such rules on emotional blunders, i would be long gone dead), but i'm charged with guilt and assumptions. hence, by my own decision of love, of being given a last chance and to proof the plaintiff wrong, choose to serve warranty of reassurance rather than having my heart vacant out of the 1 love that is unconditional or having my detailed love dreams, to be thrown out of the window in an instance.

similar to any criminal, obviously, something stupid sparked in their(and unfortunately, mine too) little bright mind, when any kind or amount of emotional, physical or mental struggle manages to cut short their logical brain space which then leads to chemical, impulse.

in English, it simply means that these kinds of people are weak people. just in case whatever i said did not register to your brain.

but as a criminal, after actually having to, murder, rape or steal from the victim, i don't doubt that at least once, they think of regret( do not link any issues of KKK prior to this because it is irrelevant. those people are out of their already wrong minds) or if they had the chance to make it even with whatever issues they were having, in a different way, that things would actually be better.

i just may not fully understand what the receiving end may have been through. but, on my end of the line, somehow or rather, i feel the excruciating pain too. not in the same way, but strongly questioning my humanity 24/7. because of that, at certain times, what do you do when reassurance is mistaken for lies just to cover your own problematic ass up and bringing up evidence of sacrifices, is assumed to be patterns of your crime?

then again, criminals don't get a 3rd chance in life. thank god, my probation officer was lenient enough to do so. still, he is not and never will be easy on my butt. constant, gravely punishments that just stops the heart. and with that kids, is when at times, my sanity just floats out of me, as if knowing that there is no more hope or is probably thinking that it'll be a waste of time, trying to pursue someone so extremist and stubborn.

there is nothing for me to do but serve my sentence. let me remind you again that it is not for a crime that i have committed. it is something more powerful that can make or break a person. its is my future. love. the love that i am having right now.

yes, the story of my life. brrgh.. me and my mouth on a walking courtroom.congrats to me, it is all a reality now.me representing my own self in court. and the plaintiff?refuse to disclose as it will drag this case further.

your suicidal love (i cannot begin how cheesy these phrase is),
Luna.

yeah, rock stone on.

i'm talking like a crazy person,aren't i?

digressing digressing digressing.

GAWD...i love these 2 girls.
PS: yes, the secret's very much out now that i'm very much guilty of emulating their fashion sense and haircut. but what can i do?and who cares?i love them. great combination of dance, grace, art and rock. they made me who i am today.

god forbids that tattoos should be done and i thank him for forbidding that.because if god didnt.. =).