you know,my mind has been overloaded with thoughts lately and what disturbs me is that,all of them come to me in terms of time limited,flashing images.what bothers me even more is that,these short,flashing images are rather pleasant; of the people whom i hold so close to my heart,happy and giggling.still,i couldn't comprehend why i cry to these joyous moments.it has been so hard for me to come out with beneficial topics for my much beloved blog and drive for a little bit of change in our daily lives.i have been spending time seeking security and youth with my family rather than being out,exploited to the vulnerability of love and society.i was even in awe,discovering the abstract,intricate,ghostly details of smoke coming from my cigarette.so sensual yet complicatedly,inexplicable.

okay. maybe,i am insane.

prior to an entry from one of the best blogs written(to me,personally),it struck me..why is it,be it in reality or the movies,we often find ourselves married to the person whom we secondarily loved?to put it in simpler English,why do everyday people like me and you,substitute the pain of backfired expectation for the love that we put in,for convenience instead?most of the time,humans don't usually marry the person they truly love.and we, shamelessly quit and dare to live in denial,putting in excuses such as the future and children instead.i am selfish in this subject.i would want to get married to the person i love,even though he may conjure enough hate in me, either subconsciously or purposely, until i want to marry a she.thinking,if i was to do so,wouldn't it be easier?me and her wouldn't be arguing all the time,understanding each other in times of menses,where jealousy would be replaced with fondles of lustful lesbian praises and sex would be about caressing and torturing each other, all at the right time.picturing myself in that unbelievably fabricated but awesome picture, scares me to death because even though everything is complete, i still think i wouldn't be happy and would leave because there is nothing to fight for. as if being spoonfed.

then again, maybe its just me and for being a girl, who wouldn't settle for things to be smoothly,easily happy.or, my urge to disfigure my face when i fall hard to enjoy every bit of reconstruction to a world of unknown beauty after that.

still,i think to myself.how could these people still be in these kind of relationships or marriages?what keeps them together, this long?is it the constant change of masquerades?the constant "giving in" of one party who is hopelessly in love with the other?or even worst, the satisfaction of occasional infidelity for one's unresponded, needs?

i just think there is never a time when the levels of love between two people is ever equal. there's basic love, but its always the other loving you more or vice versa. never the same.

love comes at the oddest, hardest hour.when you're insecure, when your mind is filled with work and you desperately want to escape, when you're upset about how men can be pigs or how fickle women can be, when you look at elders, stranded in an old folks home or even when an adorable cat awaits its master's return.

my thoughts and ideas are jumbled up.i am digressing.i am not in peace with myself.i am letting love, control, lead and lay out my future for me.for a change,i am tired.

AND, i am sick of our own Singapore products being promoted by beautiful ang-mohs in advertisements. oi. everything foreign. might as well scrape Singapore and give it a new name.

i shall be looking forward to meet my dear friend over coffee, babble about our hurt over the world,take in truckloads of fresh air, stub a gazillion cigarettes and still think about everything when we go home.

above all, i just want love to love me back.