i could still vaguely recall how i use to wake up in the morning,looking up at the orange sky from the kitchen window and making out shapes of different living creatures from the cotton,white clouds when i was younger.then with a tinge of rebellion in my voice,i would tell my mother that it would be nice to just be sitting on top of the clouds,just floating around no where.she would then turn to me and have this bemused expression,calling me the silliest little girl.

ah..those times.the simplicity of innocence and imagination.

these days,i feel that life is not a one way road anymore.

earlier today,i got a call from a woman whom i barely even got to share my childhood with.she was my father's,younger sister...my auntie.sad isn't it,growing up not knowing your cousins,aunties and uncles.figuring then and again how they look like.are they nice?who's grandma and grandpa?not to make my life sound very sad and lonely,but that's how my childhood was.full of questions.it was only me,mom,dad and younger brothers,no one else.every Hari Raya seems like normal days for us.i feel overwhelmed with emotions looking at my brothers,because soon the loneliness will catch up with them like a bad disease and my parents would have to answer.

i think that's why i am so attached to my family and home.i would never want them to feel alone.

anyways,the call from my auntie carried a bad news.my grandma was in hospital.in a critical state.

sidetracking:if you're figuring where my grandma from my mother's side is,she is in Malaysia.mother's a Malaysian,so ya.you can't imagine the loneliness my mother has to go through.

moving on.

so mum,me and my younger brothers got ready immediately and called a cab to SGH.

even though i don't smile,laugh,hug,kiss or get to know her,sitting at the bedside of my grandma really gets the best of me.holding her cold,frail hands in mine just kills me.its not because,i yearn for her love,i don't mind because i understand everything all too well now.it just kills me because of the situation that she place herself in.a dragging death due to her huge misdeeds.not practicing Islam during my youth was wrong and i really wish that at least i know something of it right at that minute,to help her through.to vanquish all her sins and make her suffering go away.

what more,with 2 of her horrendous daughter and son going after all her fortune.

until now,i question myself,how can these 2 human beings be so mercilessly cold and cruel at the same time?i have never got myself a specific answer but the same,exact thought lead me to cry myself endless,on certain nights.

rubbing it in more, is the emotional blunder that my father has got to be going through all this while and now,for his mother.

i don't care whether they're my uncles or my aunties or whatever,but they'd have to watch they're backs.because with the high that they're enjoying now,their fall will be brutally,horrifically excruciating.

what they're doing are not mistakes,mistakes are forgivable.
its GREED.

SO,this minute,i'll note to myself that:
1) i would grow up,even when i'm married, loving my brothers like crazy.(those lucky idiots)
2) i would NEVER want to send my parents to an old folks home.
3) i would want all my future children to recognize all his/her grandpas,grandmas,uncles,aunties,cousins and whatever else you have in the family tree.

thank you very nice.