regret is yet to come;

little did i know that the theme for my blog,"vaguesubstance",would actually come to life.i look at the whole idea as vague,being barely there and substance,being something addictive.you put it together and you have something powerful.put it in simpler words,and its,"the more you can't have that something,the more you want it".in my case,its freedom.i yearn for freedom when i had a relationship.

2 years of quality ups and horrific downs with him,and i bet i fooled all of you for letting go that easily.i smile,i move on with life,work harder than ever and dating.the traces of tears are nothing but a speck of dust.truth is,for 2 years,i've been constantly asking for a breakup.and it is NEVER because of him.maybe some,sparked by him.but most of the time,its usually because i feel so guilty inside i could just self-mutilate myself there and then for hurting him in the most atrocious way behind his back.he is nothing more than a good,loyal man.until all of it came out the other day,stills of him cry in front of me killed me inside till i didn't know what to feel anymore after that.i stayed numb.and skeptic.but i knew,he deserved better and i still have to go.

for 3 days,i didnt get enough rest.my emotions,haywired.but my mind was generating all sorts of things that i need to do after i break up with him.butmy body just stood at 1 place,dazed and too tired to bother with what is happening to me.i chain-smoke like nobody's business,drank like no one's business and cry like nobody's business.

i know i will regret this along the way but i'll be too selfish to keep a good man as he is.i should be shameful for being a bitch.actions comes with consequences,there to make it short,i'm letting him go.be happy.

but,he still loves me.more.and it kills me even more inside.